This year alone has seen perfume launches from Antonio Banderas, Fergie, Patrick Dempsey, Reese Witherspoon (three of them), Avril Lavigne, Celine Dion, David Beckham, Dita Von Teese, Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Simpson, Keith Urban, Kylie Minogue, Kim Kardashian, Mariah Carey (again, three of them), Michael Jordan, Sean Jean, Shakira, Taylor Swift, Snooki, and a bunch I’ve probably overlooked. Katy Perry's latest is about to launch, and next year we can look forward to new fragrances from Madonna and Lady Gaga.
For crying out loud, make it stop! Enough already with boring celebrities and their boring celebrity fragrances. For all I care, besides the tantalizing Dita Von Teese, the whole mess of focus-grouped stink-waters can be loaded into a rocket and sent to Mars. Fame isn’t taste, and fashion isn’t style.
That said, I’m not completely opposed to celebrity fragrances. I like Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds and Black Pearls. Deneuve was a gorgeous chypre, and it’s a shame Cher Uninhibited was discontinued. Furthermore, here are three celebrity fragrances I’d pay good money for:
Mister Rogers Fancy Body. Remember Mister Rogers’s heartening tune “Your body’s fancy on the outside / Your body’s fancy on the inside / Every body’s fancy, every body’s fine / Your body’s fancy, and so is mine”? In these troubled times, we all need a dose of Mister Rogers’s calm acceptance. Fancy Body features notes of wool cardigan, house shoe, and fusty mail man, all enhanced by a whiff of moth ball. Quick, public television, grab the name Fancy Body before Jessica Simpson claims it. Flankers include Eau de Lady Elaine Fairchild, and Breeze from the Land of Make Believe.
Joan Crawford B Slap. (This is a family column, so you’ll have to imagine what the “B” stands for.) Honestly, I can’t believe this one hasn’t already hit (so to speak) the market. A spritz of B Slap takes the breath right out of you. Your cheeks tingle and pulse races. B Slap’s blend of broad-shouldered tuberose, noir rose, and — you saw it coming — wire hanger accord let you play a 19-year-old nightclub singer despite your hot flashes, if the studio demands it. Wear B Slap and watch the drag queens line up to steal your moves. B Slap comes in a Jungle Red bottle.
Lucille Ball Babalu. Babalu blends the temptation of a never-ending conveyor belt of bonbons with the bracing intoxication of a slug of Vitameatavegimin to make you feel like the star of Ricky’s show. Whether you live in a tiny apartment in New York City or a ranch-style California home, you can be sure Babalu will have Fred and Ethel green with envy. Babalu’s notes include stomped grape, Cuban tobacco, and the patented McGillicuddy musk accord. Babalu’s packaging is henna red with red lipstick accents. Just a few drops will have you beating the conga and singing "Babalu!"
You've heard mine. What celebrity fragrances would you like to see?