Hello, fellow perfume lovers, and welcome to the Cranky Perfumista’s show on how to select your fragrance of the day. Please, come in to my elegant boudoir and — no! — don’t sit there! Holy mother of Bob. Well, that leftover casserole was growing mold anyway. I hope your skirt isn’t real silk. Just wipe it off and knock the rest on the floor. Hortense, my maid, will deal with it later.
So, where was I? Oh yes. Selecting a perfume. When deciding on a fragrance, first consider the day you have ahead. Me, I’ll be planning a top-drawer society event, the wedding of one of the town’s most important car dealers to his daughter’s best friend. (I’ve already managed three of his prior weddings, including the one with live doves and a special performance by the Redskinettes.) We'll be discussing what work of art the live chainsaw ice sculpture artist will create during the reception.
I guess you’ll be selecting perfume for a trip to the dry cleaner’s, but this isn’t about you, is it?
Now that I know I need a fragrance that says “I’m refined and tasteful,” and “you’ll drop more money on me than at a trailer park bordello,” I’m ready to examine my perfume collection for something appropriate. Something wafting the classy buzz of Grasse jasmine and vaguely vetiver-cedar tang of cash. No offense, but something that smells a little more uptown than what you're wearing. What is it, anyway? Eau de Doggy Day Care?
Let’s move to my perfume cabinet and see what I’ve got. Admire the gold leaf and paintings of unicorns and putti? My own design. Oh no, I didn’t paint it — Hortense did. It only took her 36 straight hours. Don’t worry, we ran a fan for the fumes, and I distinctly remember bringing her a tuna melt at some point.
Sweet cheeses! How am I supposed to choose among so many bottles of perfume? Hortense, get in here! I thought I asked you to organize these. What do you mean you didn’t understand me? I told you to put the chypres there, starting with the green ones — vintage to modern — and moving through to floral then fruity then leather chypres. But look. You went and put Jean Patou Colony ahead of Yves Saint Laurent Y. I mean, how hard is it to get that straight? Sniff that. Pineapple, Colony's signature. What kind of puckernuts are you, anyway?
Gasp. Where is my priceless Christian Dior Diorling extrait? You know, the bottle I keep on the tiny altar? What? You don’t know?
That’s it! I’ve had enough. Crack! Ha ha ha. Nice dodge, Hortense, you son of a sea biscuit. So what that the bottle broke. Who cares? It's just some Calvin Klein Obsession I hadn’t got around to throwing out yet. Try this! Crack! That’s right, you can run but you can’t hide, and now you’ll stink of Lanvin Rumeur when you do.
Whoa! Watch out for that casserole!
Whoops. I’d dial 911, but thanks to Hortense’s twice-a-day emergency calls, I’m not sure they’d answer. Anyone know how to make a splint?
Never mind. Just ignore the maid’s shrieks of pain, and I’ll see you next time when the Cranky Perfumista tells you how to choose a perfume for a court date.
Note: image is Broken Glass [cropped] by Duke Lenoir at flickr; some rights reserved.
[Ed. note: The Cursing Mommy is a series of New Yorker columns, later turned into the novel The Cursing Mommy's Book of Days: A Novel, by author Ian Frazier.]
So hillarious! I almost fell from my chair laughing out loud. Great job!
Thank you! I’m glad some of those U.S.-specific references came through. It’s a risk trying my hand at humor…
This was a hoot! Can’t wait for the court date installment!
Alas, I have a hunch this is the Cranky Perfumista’s first and last appearance in print!
Best choice for court, in these circumstances, nothing.
However, I would try selling Clive Gold. or a Xerjoff, to the bridegroom with a %100 markup, as part of the wedding package.
Pricey, but he can use it for the next wedding as well.
Excellent points!
I lol-ed at “Holy Mother of Bob!” I might have to steal it.. credit given, of course.
No credit needed! It’s always good to have a few curse word alternatives at the ready.
I found this curse phrase in Italy ” Qui casino!” It literally means what a bordello or it can mean what a f&**&up which is what I use it for. I am also stealing Holy Mother of Bob.
Nice! The next time I run into Berlusconi, I’ll know what to say.
That was so funny! I do hope there’ll be an ext installment! I would love tips on what perfume to wear to court, in fact (I’m an articling student). bring it on! 🙂
You clearly have an especially keen sense of humor (she says modestly)! But we may be among the very few, so I doubt the Cranky Perfumista will get another change at blog stardom.
This is the perfect post for today. I felt like throwing things at work today. They were bringing out my nasty side.
Don’t we all feel like that sometimes? I know I do! I’m glad Cranky provided some relief, at least.
Please don’t retire the Crankpot. She is so evil, we should probably be thinking of what perfumes would suit her best, after the obvious choice of Poison.
Poison is perfect! Good one.
Hilarious…although you really should have responded in the voice of the Cranky Perfumista to really show you mean business 😉
Surely you don’t think anything as troublesome as the Cranky Perfumista could have come from my sweet brain?
Absolutely NOT Angela! I can tell you were being channelled by Naomi Campbell. If there is a next installment, perhaps you . .. er Naomi can illuminate us on how the neurosurgeon removed the cel phone from poor Hortense’ brain . . . . .
That’s hilarious! I completely forgot about Naomi’s maid-bashing. Crazy. You’d think anyone lucky enough to have a maid would treat her like gold.
For sure! If I had a maid (rolling on floor laughing . .. . and choking on dust bunnies) I’d not only treat her like gold, I’d share my Gold (Amouage that is). If I had perfect skin and legs that reached to Mars and people willing to pay me millions for those attributes, I’d be so damn nice it would be sickening (and I’d have a separate house for my perfume collection) 🙂
I know what you mean! I’m not sure I could have a maid, if it came down to it, because I’d be too embarrassed to see her work. It’s my working class background.
Puckernuts?! I love this post. Please bring back Madam Crank for another installment. I’m still laughing. 😀
Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it!
My vote for best non-swearing is “sweet cheeses.” Reminds me of when my students say “shut the front door!” instead of the alternative. . . 😀
That’s a good one! When I think of the simpler “shut the door,” I think of “je t’adore.”
I’ve been trying to convince my students to bring back 1950s-era sitcom swearing–dagnabbit! Gull durnitt! Crimeny! Hasn’t caught on, yet, but I haven’t given up hope! 😀
Oh, I love crimeny! I completely forgot about that one. I’ll have to start using it, too.
And then there was my grandmother’s, “Oh my stars!” and my mother’s favorite, “Nuts, you kids!”. 😀
I think the best part of that one is the “you kids” thrown in after “nuts”!
Love Sweet Cheeses. My dad had one “Cheese and crackers,got all muddy.”
Oh, that’s a good one. I especially love the “got all muddy” part.
First laugh of the day! Thanks. Hilarious. I have to write down the 50s curse words. Holy moly!
Good! I hope that laugh was accompanied by a big cup of coffee!
Angela – who knew?!? I’m ROTFL this a.m. and that’s really saying something as I’m not a morning person! Great job and please bring the Cranky Perfumista back!
You are so nice–thanks!
Cranky needs to make a reappearance from time to time here at NST!
Holy mother of Bob reminds me of my poor mother trying to keep the escapades of her four children from turning into total mayhem. She was a nice Catholic girl, so she’d eye our latest transgressions, steam pouring out her ears, and yell: “God …… bless America!”
That’s so funny! As if her children’s rambunctiousness brought out sudden patriotism.
Angela, thanks for showing us this side of yourself — I think you can tell that we love it! Yay for Cranky Perfumista!
I think we’re among the few, but so be it! Thanks!
Angela, that was brilliant! You are so hilarious and talented! I love reading your posts, especially when your creativity is in full bloom like it is here!
You are too kind! But thank you so much.